This One For You, R.

Hi there, dear best friend of mine! Welcome to my kingdom!

First, I want to apologize if this place is too public for you and I write those things about you. But really, this blog is kinda of my world. I don't think there's people out there who actually read my thing. Or maybe there is, if the post is posted for a competition's sake. Also, since the first time I made this blog, I intended it for me and from me. I don't really mind if there's no one out there who read this page. But the thing is, you have to read this post. --Okay, seriously. Why do I have to describe about this blog to you? Ha ha, idk man, but keep reading, btw :p

It's okay if I call you "R" in here, right? Well, I kinda feel like I'm mentioning that one zombie whom fell in love then he returned into a human.... *long pause*







Nah, man, R's really fine, right? Cause if I mention your name in here, I believe that I have to ask your permission firstly. First time I wrote this is on October 16th. But today, October 29th, I edited this writing.



R, I knew you since I was 3 or 4. I don't quite sure what ages exactly. But I knew you since my family moved to the house next to yours. I have no idea how's my world gonna be if we didn't move that day.

Well, this is embarrassing, but I have to admit that I dropped my tears after I wrote that sentence above in class by October 16th. There was no teacher so I took a note from my phone. And I promised to myself that I'll post the note in my blog as you go.

You know, R? Thank you so much for being someone in my life for like 13 years. Whoa, it's 13! I didn't recognize it at first 'til I finally wrote it. We all know it's Taylor's lucky number. I hope it'd be a luck number for both of us, too. I think, it was the best 13 years that ever happened to my life. You're younger than me but you taught me a lot.

Without you, maybe I would really suck on English. Without you maybe I'd never bake. Without you maybe I'm just a typical average teens who bitch about unnecessary things like you-know-what-I-mean... teenage-love-life. We have a same track mind, right? So I don't really need to explain everything. :p

You know, R? I might say that some people in my life is my best friend. But you're different. You are on a different level. You are way level above them in my life.

There might be some people in my life who would make me laugh. Or some people who would listen to my story. Or some people who support me upon my dreams. But really, there were no person but you, who would make me laugh, listen to my story, support me upon my dreams, doing crazy things like playing with shadows when there were no electricity, baking some cookies, hang out with me like there's no end, or even stay on their house and yet feels like mine and then stay awake until it's dawn.


Some people said that you're arrogant, you're not that nice girl as they expect you to be, sometimes. But they just didn't know who you are. I know in fact who you are. Like Anne Frank said, "We don't tell each other everything, because we always together." Because we knew what happened to both of us without even telling. So I knew you, who you truly are, and fuck what people think about you cause I respect you in my life.

R, I don't think you remember this. But I think this is how's our friendship began. Well, I don't quite remember how it is, but it's flashing memories, ya know? Like when you said about you remember how your brother scared upon A Aris. It's kinda how this is. I remember we once fought. I don't remember why we fought, but the thing is, we fought against each other. You pulled my hair and vice versa. Dede was there, trying to separate us. And she did it. I remember how's your face looks like. Full of angry. Well, people said that you were a mean child while I was the one who don't want to lose on a battle. So maybe it was the caused of our fight.

Hence, I think Dede told your mother about our fight and your mother told mine. You know what happened after that? I got lecture from both of them. My mom and yours. They said, if you fight me, I shouldn't fight back because you're younger than me. I was an innocent child who nod to what these old people said. But now I think I was silly like seriously why would I let myself to lose in a fight?! -- Ha ha, kidding. It's a relief to obey upon what they said that day. Cause if I don't, we might be hate on each other right now.

I also remember you were that little kid who loves cooking since you were a little. Remember that day when we made 'tempe goreng'? I think it was when we were 5 or 6. Well.... there was an accident when we made it.

You sat on a chair and I didn't because there was no chair left. So as you stand up to did something with the flour which there on the table, I picked your chair, and you didn't recognize it. When you about to sat back, you fell because there were no chair on your back. And you cried. You told Dede I pulled you. What a lie, in my thought. So I tried to explain what happened to them (Dede and our mom), but then I felt sorry because yes, it was my fault to make you fell. Well, this is awkward cause I feel like this is a guilty pleasure.

Well, R, so much things that happened to both of us. Like seriously, it's 13 years long, and if I write them in here. It could be a novel of our silliness.

R, you once went to America and I accompanied you to the airport that day. You know what happened in the car as I went home? I dropped my tears, and idiotically my sister shouted it like, "Si ade nangis." And how silly I am to reply it with, "Enggak da, cuman kelilipan." What a cliche answer like in a cinema. They won't believe it, I know. But heck it. It's none of people business if I cry or laugh, right?

And yesterday, maybe you saw there was some water in my eyes. Well, R, to be honest, I don't even know what the fuck were these water doing in my eyes. I... tried to hold it, but I just can't.. So I let it out as little as possible.
In car, I sat on the second row. It was your mom's request. But that's okay, really. I sat on the right side. I starred outside the window, along the way. And I didn't recognize it that there were water on my cheeks. So I wiped it. And it fell again. And again. And again.. This might be overrated, but I heard your voice from my mind in the car. And it was sounds so clear because it was so quiet. No one really knew that I cried because I made no noise.
But don't worry about me. I remembered that last night, the first tears that dropped was from the right eye. Study said that if the first tear comes from the right eye, it means a tear of happiness. But if it comes from the left eye, it means sadness. So I believe that that last night tears was a happy tears for you. R, I know that it has been your dream to go to America. Congratulation for that. You finally reached it.

Oh, btw, I stopped crying as your mom started a conversation, then we talked about nothing like city light or traffic or whatever, I don't even know what I was talking about. And then, boom, the car accident, which I told you, happened.

Well, I hope you'd comeback, not only for next year. Even if I got my dream, I planned to come here once a year, ya know?
What make me sad is, I don't know when will I meet you again except for next year. Maybe on some important events like you said. But what if there's no important events anymore?

Promise me you'd always be my best friend. People said that it's a long-last friendship if it happened for more than 7 years. Please prove me that they right. People said that friendship ends when each of person stop telling story. Promise me that you'll keep telling me about great things that may happen to your life in there. Please email me your pics with mickey mouse and those frickin' princesses at Disneyland. Tell me how awesome your class is. Tell me there were no stupid boys anymore or girls who always scream like it's their own frickin place. Tell me how beautiful winter is. Or how much degrees in your place. I can't wait to hear them.

R, as Charlie said, I hope things are really good with you.

But if something went wrong, or something bad or even worst happen, I know it will fine soon, but don't forget that I always here, ready to hear all of your story, good or bad. Yes, I'm worry that much. Just promise me to keep in touch. And keep on the line. HA! You this read wrong and you correct it with 'online'. Smile if my guess is correct. Uh, wait for it. Did you realize that I typed 'you this read wrong' instead of 'you read this wrong'? Ha ha, good luck on that, buddy XD xx


love,

oh-should-I-write-my-name?

October 18th, 2013

Here I am, sitting in this computer chair and just woke up. I'm not sure if I even woke up, cause I don't really sure if I was asleep. First of all, maybe it's all because the noises in this house, like my dad and mom chattering about things in the middle room, my sister who's calling with a loud voices, or even the radio in my mom's room. Frankly, I may could sleep with the noises, but to sleep with the noises in my head? I couldn't.

My brain is literally thinking so much things, alas. I went to the student's consular today. We talked about the scholarships, and, she said I may can get the scholarships but these scholarship only provide for my bachelor degree. Which I knew that. But what matter the most is, I'm not an international student cause I'm using national curriculum. Well, that's okay actually, BUT. I have to take a year foundation or a year international something --I forget the name. AND, the scholarships didn't provide the foundation.

Well, it's kinda break my heart, but, I'm not gonna give up that easy. I knew that there would be another way for that and I've made plans on my mind and I won't tell you what's the plan right now. And this plans which keep me awake and didn't let me to sleep. It's like my brain tell me to take an action but I feel bad for my eyes because it's red, caused of the water on the swimming pool. Yes, I swam this morning.

I don't know man. I swam some hours ago and my eyes still red. And my mom and dad keep chattering about things since hours ago, too. And my sister still screaming on her phone even it has been some hours, too. 

So this is me, gonna take some action to make sure that my dreams won't turn into a dust. See you later. xx

Stephen Chbosky: The Perks Of Being Wallflower

So, after I finished The Diary Of A Young Girl, I then read The Perks Of Being Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. And I love it. I highly love it. I SERIOUSLY LOVE IT! I finished it within 2 days cause --you know, it's pretty addicting. So this boy named Charlie... I don't know how to describe him but the thing is, I love the way he think. And of course, again, I picked some lines from the book:

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

The people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

The outside lights were on, and it was snowing, and it looked like magic. Like we were somewhere else. Like we were someplace better.

But now I'm trying not to think about it too much because that makes it worse. It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real.

And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

I probably shouldn't writing about this too much because it brings it up too much. It makes me think too much.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

I feel like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together, and nobody knows.

The problem with things is that everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people.

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.

I was in my bed trying to figure out why sometimes you can wake up and go back to sleep and other times you can't.

The reason I am thinking so far in advance is because school is terribly lonely. I think I've said that before, but it's getting harder everyday.

I hope you have a very nice life because I really think you deserve it. I really do. I hope you do, too.

Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there.

Okay, so, that's it. That's just it. I don't really picked many lines. And to be honest, I enjoyed the book so much. But as long as I read it, I was keep asking like, "To whom he wrote those letters?" then, when I finally reached the last page, it said, "We don't know where Charlie lives and we don't know to whom he is writing. But Charlie's haunting letters, addressed only to "Dear Friend," bring readers straight to the heart of his struggles to fit in, to find the will to "participate" in life, and to cope with the realities of the larger world as he learns how to grow up."

So yeah, I found out that no one know to whom he wrote it. But it then make me think, as I read that last page, I feel like this Charlie does exist. And if he truly exist, was that okay if Chbosky collected all the letters and made a book of it? I mean, I'm speaking about the copyrights. Or maybe, Chbosky has met Charly and he permitted him to book it? Well, it could be, I guess. But that last page says that "We don't know where Charlie lives.." So mind blowing.

But by the "fiction" label, maybe Charlie doesn't even exist. Maybe he's just a fiction character. Maybe it just Chbosky made it like Charlie is truly exist on the last page. So I don't have to mind about the copyright, like seriously.

Okay, this is brain-aching, but the thing is, if Charlie ever exist in my generation, I'd love to be friend with him. Or maybe being his best friend. And by the way, alas. Bill was right. Charlie is a special person. 

Speaking of letter, I made this for Charlie. I don't really mind if he wasn't exist in a real life. Just assume that I'm a friend of Charlie who wrote him back...

Dear Charlie, 

Charl, there's one thing that I wonder about "participating" in life. I mean, Bill said that we have to "participate" in life, didn't he? What if, life doesn't want us to participate? Life doesn't want us to in? Have you heard a line from Dr. Seuss who said, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" Have you think about it? Well, it might be end up with we're standing in nowhere, Charl...

Maybe what Bill meant was to participate in life, in the right place, and in the right time. Therefore, I don't need to think about it anymore, I guess. But how can we know that we're in the right place and in the right time? What if we feel like it's a right place and a right time but it's actually not?

I shouldn't think about it too much, should I? Okay, so, just skip this letter, and I really hope things are really good with you, Charl. And even if they're not, they will be soon enough.

Love always,

Friend

Anne Frank: The Diary Of A Young Girl

So I FINALLY finished read this book 3 days before, after I read it since months ago (I think it was since Ramadan month). It's not like I read it like 1 page/day. But it was all because I was too busy to read it --nah, it's bullshit, ha ha-- the true reason was, I think, the way how Anne described the situation was way too specific. And I actually I got bored in the middle of the story so I was quite lazy to read it. But, hey, don't get me wrong! It is still a good book to read, though. I love how tough this girl named Anne Frank was.

So I picked some lines from this book, and as always, I want to share it with you.


The reason for my starting a diary, it is I have no such real friend.

I have my own views, plans, and ideas, though I can't put it into words yet.

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But this is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. (Churchill said)

Leave me in peace, let me sleep one night at least without my pillow being wet with tears, my eyes burning, and my head throbbing. Let me get away from it all, preferably away from the world.

After the terrible day yesterday, at last something good again and-- hope. Hope for it to end, hope for peace.

"Go outside, laugh, and take a breath of fresh air," a voice cries within me, but I don't even feel a response any more.

I don't know and I couldn't talk about it to anyone, because then I know I should cry. Crying can bring such relief.

A person can be lonely even if he is loved by many people because he is still not be the "One and Only" to anyone.

Alas, I know it's dull for you, but try to put yourself in my place, and imagine how sick I am of the old cows who keep having to be pulled out of the ditch again.

I made special effort not to look at him too much, because whenever I did, he kept on looking too and then --yes, then-- it gave me a lovely feeling inside, but which I mustn't feel too often.

"Leave me in peace, leave me alone," that's what I'd like to keep crying out all the time.

Don't think I'm in love, because I'm not, but I do have a feeling all the time that something fine can grow up between us, something that gives confidence and friendship.

I didn't want to trust anyone but myself any more.

Go outside, to the fields, enjoy nature and the sunshine, go out and try to recapture happiness in yourself and in God. Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy.

I've found that there is always some beauty left --in nature, sunshine, freedom, in yourself; these can all help you. Look at these things, then you find yourself again, and God, and then you regain your balance. And whoever is happy will make others happy too. He who has courage and faith will never perish in misery!

When shall I finally untangle my thoughts, when shall I find my peace and rest within myself again?

We don't tell each other everything, because we are always together.

Let the end come, even if it is hard; then at least we shall know whether we are finally going to win through or go under.

Stupid people usually can't take it if others do better than they do.

I must have something besides a husband and children, something that I can devote myself to!

I can perfectly well remember that there was a time when a deep blue sky, the song of the birds, moonlight and flowers could never have kept me spellbound.

Alas, the sacrifice was all in vain, as the moon gave far too much light and I didn't dare risk opening a window.

You must work and do good, not be lazy and gamble, if you wish to earn happiness. Laziness may appear attractive but work gives satisfaction.

I'll sleep when I'm dead

So it's still one day left 'til I free from this week and school-off for 4 days. Tomorrow is the last day of exam and I haven't touch any book at all, as always.
I don't get this. I slept for like 2 hours this evening after school. And yet I feel sleepy right now. Well it's not only today, but lately I always feel like tired. Idk man, I just feel like this is wrong. I should stay awake more longer.
So some lines from Lately by Ed and Devlin come across my mind..

Sleep is for the living and not a utensil that I require. I swear, I said, that I'll sleep when I'm dead.

And over the time within this maze, I think you'll find you'll never find that peace of mind you seek to find until your dying.

Have you read a sentence that sounds like, "I love sleep cause it makes me forget about pain, problems, stress, everything for a while."? I bet you've read it. Or even if you haven't read it, you just read it in here a few seconds ago, btw. :p

That statement is just true. I often lose myself whenever I sleep. Like I don't even think about school in the morning as I awake. Then I realized that it was 05.45 already. Yepp, I'm late. But in other time, sometimes I feel like I've been awake and ready for school, but really, it was all only a dream. If I'm not wrong, that kind of situation is called 'false awakening'.

The thing is, whenever I sleep, I forget about the world for a while like seriously do you feel me? Whenever I sleep, I always find a peace of mind. For a while. Like I don't have to think about anything. At all.

Kay, back to the topic.

People said, sleep is like a temporary death...

Days ago, I read my religion book for exam's sake. It was all about the dooms day. It said, there'll be a time when people raised from their death and they'll feel like awakened from their sleep.
And it made me think like,
"So if we die, we'll find our peace of mind for a really long time, not for a while? So if we die, we'll forget about the world for a long time, not for a while? So if we die, we'll feel like fully-rested? So if we die, we'll gonna dream forever and stop facing reality in a place we called world? That's awesome."


Here, I'm not gonna talk about what would happen if we raised from our 'sleep' when the time is come. They said, there'll be an eternal life. The true life. Now I wonder whether we need sleep in heaven or even hell. But like I said, I'm not gonna talk about it, it could be a long story, indeed.


Some people said that they scared of death. I don't get why. I mean, wouldn't it beautiful if we finally find our peace of mind? Well, sometimes, I feel like I want to sleep for like forever caused of my over-tired. But I don't think I'm ready for death right now. So much things I haven't done... Yet, death is fate from God. We don't know where, we don't know when.