John Green and David Levithan: Will Grayson, Will Grayson

I LOVE THIS BOOK!
This is about... Well, frankly it's not always about Will Grayson, tho. There is this dude named Tiny Cooper as Will Grayson's bestfriend and he is gay. And this girl named Jane who finally become Will Grayson's girlfriend. And finally they meet the other guy which is gay and also have a name Will Grayson (written on all-low-caps). And in the other will grayson's life, he have Maura which—uhm, you have to read the story. It's quite long if I explain it over here. Oh but, one more spoiler: Tiny Cooper ended up with will grayson.

Okay, so.. As wikipedia said, John Green written the Will Grayson character's life while David Levithan writtern the will grayson's part. And the way they met is so... I don't know man, it just awesome like how can they create such a masterpiece?

So here's the quotes from Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

———————————————————————————————————

To begin with, you cannot possibly pick your friends.

Honestly, none of them ever seemed to like me, but they were around, which isn't nothing. And now they aren't around, leaving me utterly bereft of social peers.

I don't really understand the point of crying. Also, I feel that crying is almost—like, aside from deaths of relatives or whatever—totally avoidable if you follow two very simple rules: 1.Don't care too much. 2. Shut up.

I respond the way I always do: by looking down and walking straight and fast. I know they're kidding. I know part of knowing someone is being mean to them or whatever. So I shut up, and I don't care, and I keep walking, and soon it's over.

i am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me. those seem to be the two choices. everything else is just killing time.

i do not say 'good-bye.' i believe that's one of the bullshittiest words ever invented. it's not like you're given the choice to say 'bad-bye' or 'awful-bye' or 'couldn't-careless-about-you-bye.' every time you leave, it's supposed to be a good one. well, i don't believe in that. i believe against that.

it's like those people who become friends in prison even though they would never really talk to each other if they weren't in prison.

i have no idea why anyone would want to become a teacher. i mean, you have to spend the day with a group of kids who either hate your guts or are kissing up to you to get a good grade. that has to get to you after a while, being surrounded by people who will never like you for any real reason. i'd feel bad for them if they weren't such sadists and losers. with sadists, it's all about the power and the control. they teach so they can have an official reason to dominate other people. and the losers make up pretty much all other teachers, from the ones who are to incompetent to do anything else to the ones who want to be their students' best friends because they never had friends when they were in high school. and there are the ones who honestly think we're going to remember a thing they say to us after final exams are over. right.

when i look at the guys and girls at the other tables, i wonder what they could possibly have to say to each other. they're all so boring and they're all trying to make up for it by talking louder. i'd rather just sit here and eat.

if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll, like a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think any more. loll. loll!
or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact. or <3. you think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you've never seen scortum.
(rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS.)

'cause friendship should not be as easy as that. it's like people believe all you need to do is like the same bands in order to be soulmates. or books.
omg . . . U like the outsiders 2 . . . it's like we're the same person! no we're not. it's like have the same english teacher. there's a difference.

Some people have lives; some people have music.

At 3:30 the next afternoon, the eight period bell rings, and for a nanosecond, I feel the endorphins sizzling through my body that usually indicate I have successfully survived another school day without anything happening, but then I remember: day ain't over yet.

"Why would you like someone who can't like you back?" The question is rhetorical, but if I wasn't trying to shut up, I'd answer it: You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot.

I'm sitting here thinking, God, I swear I will take a vow of silence and move to a monastery and worship you for all my days if you just this once provide me with an invisibility cloak, come on come on, please please invisibility cloak now now now.

all sorts of yayness floods my brain. love is such a drug.

this is a game we play. most of the time we're not serious. like, there are different ways it could go.

i can imagine living them. i don't even picture it. instead i'm in it. [...] that peace. it would be so happy, and it makes me sad because it only exists in words.

Maybe I am a robot after all. I have no idea what to say, so I go ahead and say the worst possible thing.

at this moment, i want to jump ahead in time, or, if that doesn't work, i'll settle for travelling back in time.

"I don't know," I say finally. "People are pretty fucking weird, if you haven't noticed."

"Do you believe in epiphanies? Like, do you believe that people's attitudes can change? One day you wake up and you realize something, you see something in a way that you never saw it before, an boom, epiphany. Something is different forever. Do you believe in that?" "No. I don't think anything happens all at once. I mean, anything that happens all at once is just likely to unhappen all at once, you know?"

"... I think you're great, and very cute—and by cute I mean beautiful but don't want to say beautiful because it's cliche..."

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That's me: I'm not that.

I know it's immature, but I don't care. Sometimes you need your best friend to walk through the doors.

they don't know what they've got till it's gone.

I just think that if you don't say the honest thing, sometimes the honest thing never becomes true.

"But with friendship, there's nothing like that. Being in a relationship, that's something you choose. Being friends, that's just something you are."

"I'd pick you. Fuck it, I do pick you. [....] We've been friends too long to pick, but if we could pick, I'd pick you."

you'd think that silence would be peaceful. but really, it's painful.

you know there's no such thing as a complete lie. there's always some truth in there.

weltschmerz. it's the depression you feel when the world as it does not line up with the world as you think it should be.

in my kind of falling, there's no landing. there's only hitting the ground. hard. dead, or wanting to be dead. so the whole time you're falling, it's the worst feeling in the world.

because we can't stop the weltschmerz. we can't stop imagining the world as it might be.

———————————————————————————————————

Can't believe that I only pick a little of lines. Well, I drowned on the book, alas. Like I did when I read the Perks of Being a Wallflower. :))

But, here's how Will Grayson follow his rule to shut up:

and this is how's will grayson shut his mouth:

And I found it amazing because they can actually stand to ignore people THAT MUCH and I have no idea how that could be. :))

Quotes from the Realm of Possibility, David Levithan.

our town is so many miles with nowhere to go. nowhere but the woods, where leaves block out the haze of the city blocking out the stars.

i light matches for candles for sitting in my room and wanting a flicker of life, a flicker of mood.

we talk about growing up, about college. jed talks about the foreseeable future and how little there is that we can foresee.

i could make a life out of this. i, who have never been prepared.

i realize i have already made a life out of this. i am capable of making a life.

there is negative noticing and there is positive noticing.

and i hate myself because i can't help caring, looking to see if they notice and what they think.

then he says i worry about you. and i tell him don't. and he says that's exactly why.

why don't they leave me alone? don't they realize i have a tinder heart and a paper body and that any spark will turn me straight to ash?

i score the silence. i tread through air. i feel gone. i feel like the shadow behind the shades.

and i stand there and i wonder what i am doing, i wonder what i should do, and i don't know i don't know i don't know what to do. i don't know whether to take, to hold, to stay, to walk away, and i think that is it—that is everything.

all the feelings are dead inside me and i want them to be alive.

I had to wait some time for something more real.

I see the hurt. I see the mark. I see the signs. There's nothing I can do.

I've lost track of where friendship ends and falling begins. (this is the foolish refrain of the hopelessly devoted.)

teenagers are never joking, when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcastic or ironic. if they say, "I wish someone would drop a bomb on this school right now," that means they have arranged for a nuclear arsenal to be emptied onto the school and should be immediately suspended and ridiculed.

if you look over his shoulder, you will see that everything he writes is always about you.

Did you see how lonely that girl looked at lunch? What we are saying is we did see. And what did we do? We acted blind, and we moved on.

when you break someone's heart, you also break your own.

but I have lived with myself for too many years. I know exactly how hard I am.

despite all the thoughts that run through your head, you're never really ready to let go, are you?

hours cannot measure what I feel. housed inside me like a caged tiger. how strange it feels to talk about it. how was I planning to get through this alone?

I do not cry. I have had enough of that. I speak these words as a way of controlling them instead of telling me everything is okay, instead of wallowing and saying life sucks.

realizing she is going to pretend I am not here reaping, rebuffing, redrawing, reflecting, regarding, regressing, rehearsing, reiterating, reliving, remembering, reopening, repaying, repealing, replying, retracing, returning, revoking.

right at this moment, I cannot imagine it being any worse. right here, I have been turned into nothing. Right now, I am negated.

the life you lead can be detoured. the moment you know cannot be taken back.

the opportunity has passed. the past is inopportune. the question all grow from why. the reality will always be contended. the sadness will ebb. the trouble is the time it might take. the ugly words cannot be erased, only discredited. the versions are never the same. the wonder is that we make it through. the x is the unknown variable. the yesterday cannot be repeated. the zenith is the point when you look down and realize you're no longer below.

he says, you'll get through this. you live each day one at a time. you live every day all at once. you live with the possibility of good-bye. you move on. you ponder in this darkness and see you're not alone. you realize you never felt alone. you subtracted one from your life, that's all.

your heart is not as broken as you think, he says. you're not as dumb as you look, I reply.

He wanted to be strong, because in this world you have to be.

She wasn't just lost in space. She was space itself. Waiting to disappear.

I felt alone again, with so many question and no one to ask. I found that with love, you need someone to talk to about it.

What's lonelier than being on a team where you no longer belong?

To get something, you must give something away. To hold something, you must give something away. To love something, you must give something away.

Instead of turning the page I just start writing on the desk. All that open surface. Right there. Nobody notices. Nobody cares. The words just start to fall there. And I feel some satisfaction from that. I've never written just for myself. And I've never written for anyone else. I write for the release of it. For finding out what will be there when I am done.

THERE IS NO MEASURE TO VOLATILITY. VOLATILITY. VOLATILITY. COMMISERATE WITH THE COMMON. COMMISERATE. YOU ARE UNABLE TO COMMISERATE. YOU ARE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE AFRAID TO ADMIT IT. YOU ARE FOOLISH IN YOUR HAPPINESS. I KNOW THIS IS NOT A SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE THING TO DO. YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. YOU WEAR TOO MANY MASKS. PLEASE. PLEASE. YOU SHOULD NOT HIDE. GIVE HER A CHANCE. YOU SHOULD NOT WALK AWAY QUITE YET. PLEASE. PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT. LIVE UP TO YOURSELF. COWARDICE. DESPAIR IS NOT THE ANSWER. YOU ARE IMPLICATED.

I write YOU ARE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE AFRAID TO ADMIT IT. And it make sense. Because how many times have I heard everyone complaining and complaining and complaining? As if sitting back and acknowledging that things aren't all that bad is somehow wrong. Then I write YOU ARE FOOLISH IN YOUR HAPPINESS.

You were Alice, I was the Hatter. You were the sun, I wasn't even the moon.

I believe in having a code of ethics, and mine was basically: If you jerk me around, then I will jerk you right back, harder.

I tried to be a vigiliant person. Keeping watch, confronting people with the truth, even if it hurt them.

I felt foolish, yes. Foolish because I felt alone in this. How may times had I told someone The truth hurts. Without ever really knowing what it fell like.

Being a bitch is easy. It's finding the alternative that's hard.

I should talk to him. I know I should talk to him but I do not talk to him. I watch him afar and love him.

Here's what I know about the realm of possibility—it is always expanding, it is never what you think it is. Everything around us was once deemed impossible.

As hard as it is for us to see sometimes, we all exist within the realm of possibility. Most of the limits are for own world's devising. And yet, every day we each do so many things that we once impossible to us.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. If you wonder about the all up or low caps... Well, it is how the book is.

Kenapa sih?

Kenapa sih doyan banget ngurusin hidup orang kayak gak punya hidup sendiri aja?
Mind your own-fockin-business, people.

Kenapa sih doyan banget nyeritain tentang urusan atau hidup orang ke orang lain seakan lo tau seluruh cerita hidupnya?
Here's my rule: No one can ever tell any-shit about me, except my own self. No one. Wait a minute. Boleh deng. TAPI. Sebaiknya, under my confirmation. Dan harus it-is-what-it-is. Gak dilebih-lebihin, gak dikurang-kurangin. Dan penyampaiannya gak usah paralel. Kenapa? Cerita mulut-ke-mulut tuh suka ada dustanya. Nggak ngerti lah pokoknya. Ujung-ujungnya semacam ada di infortaiment televisi lokal yang apa-apa di lebayin.
And this is what I hate the most! Misal: Gue bilang, "Gue mau ranking 1 ah nanti pas semester 2." And then, a douche hear it and spread it to the world like, "Eh si Dinda katanya mau ranking 1 nanti semester 2." Ada 2 kemungkinan yang mungkin terlintas dibenak orang-orang yang ngedengernya. SATU. Orang yang berpositif-thinking yang ngersponnya dengan, "Oh iya? Wah, syukur sih kalau gitu, ya semoga aja beneran kecapai blablabla...." Dan gue bersyukur banget kalau emang responnya gitu adanya. Ucapan adalah doa, no? Tapi, DUA. Orang yang looking-down on people who will respond it with their own mind, "Alah, omong doang palingan. Impossible kalau dia leha-leha gitu mah." Man, SHUT THE HELL UP! Frankly, I don't really mind about what other people saying about me. But again. Ucapan adalah doa. Secara nggak langsung mereka tuh ngedoain gue, gitu... Dan seakan mereka tau banget gitu tentang rencana guenya gimana. Again, shut it. Makanya, kalau gue cerita sesuatu yang personal, I just tell it to a certain of people. Dan 'certain of people' itu bisa keitung jari, keknya. Yang bener-bener bisa gue percaya that they will shut their mouth to keep it just for them. Langka banget emang nemuin orang kek gitu tuh.

Kenapa sih harus ribet? Ribet? Tinggalin. Gitu doang kok repot.

Kenapa sih harus ngada-ngada dan aneh?
My other rule: If I shut my mouth up, then it is. I say nothing. So please don't make any-kind-of-statement-like-I-said-something. If you question things to me and I shut up, there is two possibilities. First, I think that what you asked to me is a rhetorical question. Second, I know in fact that you'll find the answer SOON, cause the answer is RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. Don't be a lazy-bastard, yo!

Kenapa sih berasumsi-negatif seakan-akan yang lo asumsiin tuh bener?
Yang namanya asumsi itu ya perkiraan. Bukan kenyataan. Belum tentu bener. Jadi ya mending diem aja.

Kenapa sih semua orang nggak bisa ikutin rule kayak Will Grayson; 1. Don't care too much, 2. Shut up?
Kenapa?

Kenapa sih gak semua orang sadar akan tanggung jawabnya masing-masing?
Ngebebanin tanggung jawabnya ke orang lain seakan orang lain itu nggak punya tanggung jawab yang harus dia jalanin? Life will be more easy sufficient if people DO recognize what things that they have to do, no?

Kenapa sih orang nganggap kalau sesuatu yang baik buat seseorang itu berarti sesuatu itu baik buat semua orang?
Melek coba. Nggak semua yang baik bagi seseorang itu baik buat semua orang. Contoh simple? Morphin. Buat orang yang sakit keras itu baik, tentu. Tapi jelas, itu tuh nggak baik buat orang yang nggak kenapa-napa.

I don't get....

I don't know. Yes, maybe I'm an alien from Jupiter or somewhere cause sometimes I feel like I don't  want to talk with people. Some people. Annoying people.

Masih banyak kenapa-sih-kenapa-sih-lainnya yang saat ini gue lupa. Post ini kayaknya bakalan terus nambah.
Nada postannya judes? Emang. Biarin. Masalah? Bodo amat, ah. ( ˘˘̯)
Blame it to my bad-morning;

Same Love

Post ini terinspirasi dari tweet ini:

Pikiran pertama yang terlintas di benak kepala gue yaitu: "Kenapa?". Well, ada alesannya sih pasti, kan.. Si admin ngetweet setelahnya kayak gini:

Kemudian gue browsing di om google. Oh, ternyata Urganda itu termasuk salah satunya yang melarang. Untuk full list, lo bisa cek di sini.
Emang bukan cuman Urganda doang yang ngelarang. Cuman, untuk hukuman di bakar hidup-hidup gitu menurut gue sih overrated.
Oke, lepas dari segala hukuman, negara yang ngelarang, dan lain sebagainya. Gue selalu mikir dan nanya; Kenapa sih, pemerintah—di banyak negara—terlalu mencampuri urusan suatu individu? Maksud gue, untuk urusan seseorang mau beragama atau atheist, homo atau straight, dan lainnya itu bukannya hak semua orang, ya? Kalau prinsip gue, ya selama orang itu nggak ngerugiin atau ngeganggu suatu individu atau kelompok lain, kenapa enggak di biarin aja? Karena nggak selamanya urusan orang lain itu urusan kita juga, yes?
Dulu gue pas kecil pernah nanya, "Mah, kenapa sih pak polisi nyuruh kita pake helm? Kalau kita celaka juga kan yang sakit kita, bukan pak polisi." Dan mamah ngejawab... ah sudahlah, ingatan saya tak terlalu kuat, bung :))
Setelah gue beranjak remaja, ya lama-lama sadar juga sih, pake helm itu bukan karena aturan-aturannya amat, tapi it's for our safety's sake. Gitu.

Dari pertanyaan gue pas kecil sama pertanyaan gue yang pas awal, intinya sih sama: Ya biarin aja gitu. Hidup juga hidup orang. Kalau dia 'celaka'—atau mungkin disini konteksnya lebih ke 'resiko'—ya urusan dia. Karena akibat dari keputusan dia. Selama nggak ada sangkut pautnya sama kita, kenapa kita yang repot? Repot? Tinggalin. :))

Anywaaay... Speaking of homosexuality, gay-ship, lesbian, etc... Gue jadi inget lagunya Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert yang judulnya Same Love. Dengerin nih coba:

Yang ada di winamp gue sih yang—as always :))—versi featuring Ed Sheerannyaaa. Nih kalau mau denger juga:

Dan ini versi livenya yang udah gue buffer selama 454753154584 kali. Enggak, bukan karena di live perform itu ada Ednya juga, sih. Cuman gue, beneran, captivated sama gerakannya si Macklemore. Semacam pas gitu sama intonasi musik dan liriknya :)) dan bikin ingin ikutan joget jugak! :)) Cek nih cek:

Kalau suatu saat video di atas ngilang, ini linknya, ya. ☺

Kenapa gue korelasiin lagu Same Love sama kejadian di atas? Ya langsung aja ya, nih liriknya:

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay,

'Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight.

I told my mom, tears rushing down my face

She's like "Ben you've loved girls since before pre-k, trippin' "

Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?

Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.

I remember doing the math like, "Yeah, I'm good at little league"

A preconceived idea of what it all meant

For those that liked the same sex

Had the characteristics

The right wing conservatives think it's a decision

And you can be cured with some treatment and religion

Man-made rewiring of a predisposition

Playing God, aw nah here we go

America the brave still fears what we don't know

And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten

But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago

I don't know

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

My love

My love

My love

She keeps me warm

She keeps me warm

She keeps me warm

My love

My love

My love

She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me

Have you read the YouTube comments lately?

"Man, that's gay" gets dropped on the daily

We become so numb to what we're saying

A culture founded from oppression

Yet we don't have acceptance for 'em

Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board

A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it

Gay is synonymous with the lesser

It's the same hate that's caused wars from religion

Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment

The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins

It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference!

Live on and be yourself

When I was at church they taught me something else

If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed

That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned

When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless

Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen

I might not be the same, but that's not important

No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it

(I don't know)

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

I can't change

My love

My love

My love

She keeps me warm

We press play, don't press pause

Progress, march on

With the veil over our eyes

We turn our back on the cause

Till the day that my uncles can be united by law

When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart

A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are

And a certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all

But it's a damn good place to start

No law is gonna change us

We have to change us

Whatever God you believe in

We come from the same one

Strip away the fear

Underneath it's all the same love

About time that we raised

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

And I can't change

Even if I tried

Even if I wanted to

My love

My love

My love

She keeps me warm

She keeps me warm

She keeps me warm

She keeps me warm

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love is patient

Love is kind

(not crying on Sundays)

Love is patient

(not crying on Sundays)

Love is kind

(I'm not crying on Sundays)

Love is patient

(not crying on Sundays)

Love is kind

(I'm not crying on Sundays)

Love is patient

(not crying on Sundays)

Love is kind

(I'm not crying on Sundays)

Love is patient

Love is kind

Dari yang gue bold juga udah paham kan maksudnya? Dari semua lirik di atas, yang palingpalingpaling gue suka sih yang "It's human rights for everybody, there is no difference, live on! And be yourself."
Well, I'm straight, just in case you wonder. It just that I'm as sick as Macklemore upon people who see something from only a side. A perspective.
Lo ngehina gay, ngehina pelacur, ngehina apapun yang menurut lo hina... Pernah gak sih lo nanya ke mereka, motif dibalik apa yang mereka lakuin? Kalau lo terlalu gengsi buat nanya, coba lo dengerin lagunya Cage the Elephant, judulnya Ain't No Rest for the Wicked.

Liriknya lo cari aja sendiri. Gak ada hubungannya sama gay, sih. Tapi... ya baca aja.

Selain dari cage the elephant di atas, coba deh baca ini:

Tau nggak siapa yang nulis note di atas? Dia seorang hacker. Gue. Bener-bener suka. Sama kalimat: "My crime is that judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like."

Dan hubungan dari lagunya Cage the Elephant sama notes hacker itu menurut gue intinya sama: Jangan nilai sesuatu karena title jelek yang dikasih sama publik. Cause everything is never as it seems. Belum tentu cara pikir lo itu lebih baik daripada mereka.

So shut it, people! Live on your life. And bring peace to the world. Cause everyone have their own rights for loving. And to be loved. Tanpa peduli dari atau untuk siapa.


Assalamu'alaikum,

dkd.

Oh wait! Btw, nih, ada bonus.

If you have all those things in one person, you're really in love with him or her. Otherwise, it was all just a crushionship, I think. :p

Fact that...

"Things change. Friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." - Charlie, Perks of Being Wallflower.

No, I'm fine, alas. Today is my birthday. But I postpone this post to another day.

I learnt a lesson today, and I feel like I get slap by the fact. Fact that I put people on a special dimension of my life. Fact that some people leave, while some come, and some remain the same. Fact that I overrated people too much. Fact that I'm no one for some people that I thought they're special creature in my life. Fact that I wasted my tears for them. Fact that I'm just a past for them and have been deleted on their present dictionary. Well maybe they just forgot. Or maybe they don't and just pretending that they do. But will I be like them? No, I won't. I'll still remember them in my life even if it'll just be a memory. It's not that I'm a fool. It just that I thank them so much for at least once, to came in my life and create such a beautiful memory in my heart. I love you guys to the moon and back. But, I love them more, people whose remain the same upon me. No matter how much things change. I love them with all my heart. And I love Allah to gave me these people.

Bandung, December 11, 2013

17, 111213.

111213, tanggal cantik, katanya. Hahaha. Kebetulan, pas lagi 17 tahunan :">

Okay, so, what has happened?

Well, nothing much.

111213 tuh pas UAS terakhir. Malemnya tuh begadang. Tidur jam 2 kalau gak salah. Jadi, pulang sekolah tuh ya bobo ~~~\(´▽`)/

Aduh ini post late-post banget sih, ya.. Gak tau lagi gimana nyeritainnya -__- dan udah lupa juga sih sebenernya hahaha

But no, I'll never forget this:

HAHA, IYA! DISELAMATIN SAMA GOOGLE! :">

Ya emang sih, google will do the same to other google user, too. Tapi entahlah, asa seneng aja gitu ada gituannya di chrome haha :p Bedanya, kalau orang yang berpengaruh di dunia ulang tahun, kalau lambang googlenya di klik, itu bakalan masuk ke search result orang tersebut. Tapi kalau orang biasa, user google kayak gue gitu, masuknya ke profil g+ gue sendiri. X))

Well, at the end. Kelas ngadain acara ke villa. Di ciater. Ini villanya:

Tenang, itu si Pipit yang ke foto mah haha :p

Ini villa a to the n to the g to the k to the e to the r bener katanya. Bukan katanya lagi sih, emang beneran angker. Cuman gak akan gue bahas disini lah, gile. Males banget cerita yang begonoan di blog. Bukan males deng sebenernya. Nanti malah takut sendiri. X))

Back to my birthday.

Jauuuuh sebelum hari H, si mamah udah nanya-nanya, "Nanti mau di rayain gimana?" dan semacamnya. Dulu sih, emang ada rencana mau di rayain di rumah gitu, makan-makan, daaan sebagainya. Cuman, pas mendekati hari H, gue lagi dilema maksimal. Menyangkut masa depan, men (ceileeeh). Jadi nggak begitu antusias pas ditanya lagi, "Jadi mau gimana perayaannya?".

Jujur, nggak kayak pas 16th birthday, gue bikin list 16 wishes. Well, frankly I tried to. Di account yang @d____k_d_:

Maaf di sensor, ya. Cuman di konsumsi sama diri saya sendiri... ☺ Do'ain aja semoga wishnya terkabul :">

Btw, beberapa jam kemudian, I made another wish:

~~~\(´▽`)/

Udah dong coymen, cuman 2 wish hahaha :">

Eh iya, belum selesai ngomongin perayaannya.. Ya karena kelas pada ke villa, ya kenapa enggak sekalian aja rayain kecil-kecilan disanaaa? Well, tadinya sih nggak akan ikut ke villa. Due to some reasons; liburan cuman 2 minggu dan gue punya banyak banget hal yang harus diselesain. Dan bahkan, 2 minggu tuh kurang banget. Gitu.

Tapi ya akhirnya ikut. Maksudnya, kapan lagi, sih? It won't happen for twice kan, ya? Iya.. So I asked my Mom to cook a meals and bake a cake. Dan ya udah, gitu ajaaa... Makan-makan dan niup lilin di villa :))

Kiri: Kezia. Tengah: Mei. Kanan: Me, obviously.

Kenapa gelap? Karena sedang mati lampu pemirsaaa ~~~\(´▽`)/

Iya, parah banget kan, ya? Itu mati lampu dari jam 3 apa 4 sore sampai jam 11 malem. Katanya gara-gara ada petir sih itu. Terus gardunya rusak. Jadi aja.... But it was really a fun experience, no lie. ☺

Some people asked me, "Mau kado apa?" Frankly I don't want anything, alas. All I want is my one and only wish to come true. Ed's concert is actually only an optional. Well, I want it. But this one... I really really really reeeaaaalllyyyy want it. ☺

So that was my birthday. See you next year! ~~~\(´▽`)/

Btw lagi seneng banget ini pake emot \(´▽`)/

~~~\(´▽`)/

Promise.

I woke up to a thought today. A thought of something that remind me that I have a promise. To several things which make it some promises. Yes, a promise to my best friends. To anyone who look down on me. Even to my other blog. And the hardest promise one is to myself.

Then I realize I can't stay like this to fulfill 'em. Can't remain the same. Need a movement. Which more, way better than this. 

And by this post, I promise myself to fulfill all the promises.

Just.

Stay.

Back.

And.

Watch.

Me.

Working Style Test

Take a try in here
Here's my result :">

Suitable Careers:

• administrator
• archeologist
• architect
• astronomer
• attorney
• computer programmer or analyst 
• consultant
• designer
• economist
• engineer
• inventor
• investment of business analyst
• management consultant
• mathematician
• mortgage broker
• physician
• psychiatrist
• psychologist
• researcher
• scientist
• social scientist
• stockbroker
• university professor
• writer

Haha, look! There's architect, computer programmer or analyst, designer, engineer, inventor, mathematician, university professor, psychiatrist, psychologist, and writer.

You know, my dream was really unstable. I remember that when I was about 9-10 grade, I wanted to be an architect because I saw those awesome buildings on Tumblr. And by that, I wanted to be a designer, too. A---God, I forgot what's the name. That designer who design those furniture. Then I changed my mind to be a fashion designer. 

But then, I wanted to be a psychiatrist or psychologist. Well, I don't quite know what's the difference, that's why I mention both of them. The one I wanted is, the one who hear people's problem. Not the one who face those insane people. 

Mathematician. I love mathematics since I was a little. And I wanted to be a math teacher or a university professor of math because that's what my aunt do. 

Computer programmer or analyst, engineer, and inventor, there's a relation in here. And those are my dreams right now. I want to invent something, and I'm the one who build the physical design of it, and I'm also the one who program that thing.

And writer. Well, I don't know if this is can be called as a dream. Frankly, it is on my bucket list to write a book or two or three. But, I don't think that I want to be a writer as my full-time job. I think I'd take it as my part-time job, someday. I'm gonna write my great experience in it,  so that my future kids will read it :') and I hope that it can move other people, too. Like motivate them or something.

Whoop, I just realized that there's attorney, too! Haha, yes, I once wanted to be an attorney, too, because I love debate and I know those attorney dudes on television is so damn rich! X)) But no, I don't want it anymore.. :))

================================================================
You are a relentless innovator in thought as well as action. You trust your intuitive insights into the true relationships and meaning of things, regardless of established authority or popularly accepted beliefs. Your faith in your inner vision can move mountains. Problem only stimulate you--the impossible takes a little longer, but not much. You are the most independent, sometimes to the point of being stubborn. You place a high value on competence--your own and others'.

You want to see your inspiration worked out in practice, applied and accepted by the rest of the world; you are willing to spend any time and effort to that end. You have determination, perseverance, and will drive others almost as hard as you drive yourself. Although your preference is for intuition, you can, when necessary, focus on the details of a project to realize your vision.

You often value and use confidently your intuitive insights in fields such as science, engineering, invention, politics, or philosophy. The boldness of your intuition may be of immense value in any fields, and should not be smothered in a routine job.

Some problems may arise from your single-minded concentration on goals. You may see the end so clearly that you fail to look for other things which might conflict with the goal. Therefore you need to actively seek the viewpoint of others.

You may neglect your feeling to the point of ignoring other people's values and feelings. If you do, you may be surprised by the bitterness of your opposition. Your own feeling has to be reckoned with also, for if too much suppressed, it may build up pressure and find expression in inappropriate ways. Your feeling needs to be used constructively, such as through appreciation of other people. Given your talent for analysis, appreciation may be hard for you, but you will find it helpful on the job as well as in personal relationships.

To be effective, you must develop your thinking to supply needed judgment. If your judgment is undeveloped, you will be unable to criticize your own inner vision, and will not listen to the opinions of others. You will therefore be unable to shape your inspirations into effective action.

Personality Test

Dapet dari blog orang nih haha.

Ini semacam kuis, and here's below are my result, and I feel like it's 90%-ish true.

Here's the link if you want to take it too :D 

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

Ha ha, I'm not gonna comment on this. But it's actually true, somehow. :p

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Yup. Right now, I don't really see the benefit of having a boyfriend. They said that if you have one, that dude will inspirit you. But, as far as I know, the biggest spirit is come from your own self. As far as I look at those typical average teens nowadays, well, I'm not gonna comment on that. You know what I mean, right? So yes, what I am looking for is the one for my life partner. And it's kinda of too early to search him right now. Moreover, at this kind of moment, my mind is pretty busy to think about future stuff, so..

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

This is actually what I'm talking about. :))

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

Technologyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyhhhhhhhh!!! Because it grows as we grow. And people will never leave it.

How do you view success:

Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

yepp!!!

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Nice Songs, innit?

So the sky accompany my eyes for dropping some water a couple of hours ago. Cool. I can't say much. But maybe those songs can:

1) Billy Ruskin

lyric:

Mr Ruskin
Come and paint my picture
We’re losing sleep
'Cos we steal the week

Now who’s your best friend?
Can you introduce me?
See I can’t seem to even let you breathe

When I dance with Billy Ruskin in my mind’s eye
Please let me forget that I’m standing on my own
And I am my own best friend and I need me to see
That I am more than what is hiding in me

Come and show me
If you can
See I know you’re me
But I can’t seem to understand

If you know me
Place my hand on mine
And we will resurrect the time

That we lost
When you left my mind
It’s psycho-paranoia disappearing in time

Come and show me
What makes you tick
I need you to get out of my mind quick

When I dance with Billy Ruskin in my mind’s eye
Please let me forget that I’m standing on my own
And I am my own best friend and I need me to see
That I am more than what is hiding in me

2) Bonus Track
It's actually has no title. I mean, the title really is "Bonus Track" Weird, huh? But it really is eargasm, and awesome lyrics tho.

lyric:
I want to be real
Not some conscience to myself
The way you worship, never ending
Some idol who’s pretending to be true

How you put upon yourself
A man who never seems
To answer to your words
So go and make me over

I’m a fly upon your neck
You can’t control me
I have my words, my voice
My strengths, my choice
And I can cut as deep
Just as deep as I need

Don’t want your advice
Cos I’ve made up my own mind
The way you bore me with the stories
Of far and distant times

I’ve heard it before
So don’t try that on me
The way you worship, never-ending
Some idol who’s pretending to be true

It could be you
Brainwashed by the lies
It’s no surprise
You’d wanna waste your time

I’m a fly upon your neck
You can’t control me
I have my words, my voice
My strengths, my choice
And I can cut as deep
Just as deep as I need

3) Last Ones Standing (Example Cover)

lyric:
I tell the taxi driver, pull up over there
Sprint down the street and we don't pay the fare
Onto the district line, force open the door
There's loadsa seats free but we cotch on the floor

Last night we both died a death
Just flowed til no cider left
Jumped out the wrong side of bed
Now another night of wrong lies ahead

To be a kid again, Nancy and Sid again
Need medicine, cut out the middle men
Run free, only way to get rid of them
Never gonna catch us

We're on the run
And I'm about to lose it
Cause she's like a gun
Ain't no afraid to use it

C'mon we'll catch our very last train
Light our very last flames
We'll knock it all back and forget our names
Cause it's our last night
And it's one last fight
We're the last ones
The last ones standing

Go tell the waitress, we'll have 2 rum and cokes
Ask for the bill and then we'll split when she goes
Out the fire exit wearing some strangers coat
We'll sing it out til we're sore in the throat

This ain't childs play like pass the parcel or
Build a castle, just a couple of rascals who
Go harder, live faster
Fight til the end like Jason's Argonauts

Cause lifes a carnival
There's no reason, motives marginal
Don't care if we're cold and starvin
We'll still be laughin when...

We're on the run
And I'm about to lose it
And she's like a gun
Ain't no afraid to use it

C'mon we'll catch our very last train
Light our very last flames
We'll knock it all back and forget our names
Cause it's our last fight
And it's one last night
We're the last ones
The last ones standing

The last ones standing
hmmm
The last ones standing

4) Pause

lyric:
You know I got to get away
To find some peace and sanity
I’ve been playing hide-and-seek too long
Shaking, making, everybody waking
Setting the hi-fi bleed
Keeping me back
While you’re spinning my track
That’ll knock you off your feet

Monkey see what monkey do
But I’m a monkey telling you
I just think that we should take a break
Tickity-tock the clock
With the hip-hop
And alonestar backing me up
We won’t stop
I gotta be searching for my peace of mind
Now let the track rewind

And play, let the music play
It came, so let the music say what it feels
Shame, shame it took too long
To see that you were wrong
Now turn the song back on

This is Alonestar coming at you
With a new style
Kicking dust
Ready to bust
It's Urban Angel
Artistic, flipping the script
Who d'you really want to get it with?
Ed and Alonestar
We're like live wires sparking
Ready to blow
We've already sown our seeds
We're just waiting to grow - blow
We're gonna lift you like a shock to your body
Metaphorical speech when we come and see
You ducking for cover
Sheeran Lock coming ready to rock
With Urban Angel and Alonestar
And Ed - keep it locked
Let the beat pump
Drop the bass but don't stop
We're kicking the sound
Let the bass bins pound
We're gonna roll
Can you feel me now with my body?
Get down to the sound
It's Ed Sheeran in the place
And Alonestar rising up
We gotta rise up
I said rise up

And play, let the music play
It came, so let the music say what it feels
Shame, shame it took so long
To see that you were wrong
Now turn the song back on

5) Quiet Ballad Of Ed

lyric:
In shadow there lies hope
Cut tension with a knife
I find it hard to cope
Stop playing with my life

You analyse my fears
Analyse my dreams
Choke on burning tears
Through my silent screams

Things aren’t what they seem

Tell a hundred craftsmen to work on me
Tell this army of angels to make me breathe
Open doors, just to take away the key
I’ll let you all see, that I’m doing better

Watch me fall
As I stumble at your feet
Always losing in this game
Your lies cut me deep
And you don’t even know my name
With your consistency
To always watch me crawl
And my durability
Not affected at all

Still things aren’t what they seem

Tell a hundred craftsmen to work on me
Tell this army of angels to make me breathe
Open doors, just to take away the key
I’ll let you all see, that I’m doing better
That I'm doing better

Feel the pain
On my brain
Feel the strain
As I, start to decay

Feel the strain
Every passing day
Feel the pain
As I, start to decay

Tell a hundred craftsmen to work on me
Tell this army of angels to make me breathe
Open doors, just to take away the key
I’ll let you all see, that I’m doing better
That I'm doing better

6) Stevesong



lyric:
Stevie was a boy
Who turned into a man
He never had no master plan
But I knew that he could

Find right from wrong
Sing me a different song
He told me which road to take
And now I’m gone

Keep on singing
Make her life whole
Stevie you’re winning
And I just feel cold
Take your life beyond the mark
You can do no wrong
When I lose my way in the dark
Keep singing your song

Please come follow me
I find it hard to breathe
Please come follow me
I find it hard to breathe

7) Who You Are (Jessie J Cover)

lyric:
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose it all in the blur of the start
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are.
(who you are [x11])

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold
The more I try the less is working, yeah yeah yeah
And everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose it all in the blur of the start
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are.

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like boom!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good luck, goodnight,
With a smile, that's my home!
That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...
Don't lose it all in the blur of the start.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are.
Who you are (35x)


Big thanks to Ed Sheeran for recorded it.

Hello, Midnight.

Idk, it just I haven't write things in a while. Frickin' busy. And as always, my sleeping pattern is currently fucked up.
Some people ask and wonder how I do this. How I get up in the morning. How can I didn't look like sleepy.... To be honest, I don't know either, people.
I slept for only 3 hours last night plus an hour by the evening after school. Then I drank 250ml of coffee, and now I'm not sleepy like at all.
But most of all, I think it's all because my brain that didn't want to shut up and keep me awake. Some questions haunt me and I haven't been found the answer. Yet.

Alas, I'm pretty afraid about next week. Due to the national examination, the intensive class will start on next week. I gotta home at 4 p.m every-effin'-day except Friday. I'm afraid that I couldn't get any sleep on the evening.

I shoulda finish my chemistry right now. Well, technically, I've finished it but I haven't re-write it on a new paper. Tsk, I really hate writing. If only I could type using keyboard on paper -__-


Well, that's that, I think. Have nothing much to write here. See ya.

This One For You, R.

Hi there, dear best friend of mine! Welcome to my kingdom!

First, I want to apologize if this place is too public for you and I write those things about you. But really, this blog is kinda of my world. I don't think there's people out there who actually read my thing. Or maybe there is, if the post is posted for a competition's sake. Also, since the first time I made this blog, I intended it for me and from me. I don't really mind if there's no one out there who read this page. But the thing is, you have to read this post. --Okay, seriously. Why do I have to describe about this blog to you? Ha ha, idk man, but keep reading, btw :p

It's okay if I call you "R" in here, right? Well, I kinda feel like I'm mentioning that one zombie whom fell in love then he returned into a human.... *long pause*







Nah, man, R's really fine, right? Cause if I mention your name in here, I believe that I have to ask your permission firstly. First time I wrote this is on October 16th. But today, October 29th, I edited this writing.



R, I knew you since I was 3 or 4. I don't quite sure what ages exactly. But I knew you since my family moved to the house next to yours. I have no idea how's my world gonna be if we didn't move that day.

Well, this is embarrassing, but I have to admit that I dropped my tears after I wrote that sentence above in class by October 16th. There was no teacher so I took a note from my phone. And I promised to myself that I'll post the note in my blog as you go.

You know, R? Thank you so much for being someone in my life for like 13 years. Whoa, it's 13! I didn't recognize it at first 'til I finally wrote it. We all know it's Taylor's lucky number. I hope it'd be a luck number for both of us, too. I think, it was the best 13 years that ever happened to my life. You're younger than me but you taught me a lot.

Without you, maybe I would really suck on English. Without you maybe I'd never bake. Without you maybe I'm just a typical average teens who bitch about unnecessary things like you-know-what-I-mean... teenage-love-life. We have a same track mind, right? So I don't really need to explain everything. :p

You know, R? I might say that some people in my life is my best friend. But you're different. You are on a different level. You are way level above them in my life.

There might be some people in my life who would make me laugh. Or some people who would listen to my story. Or some people who support me upon my dreams. But really, there were no person but you, who would make me laugh, listen to my story, support me upon my dreams, doing crazy things like playing with shadows when there were no electricity, baking some cookies, hang out with me like there's no end, or even stay on their house and yet feels like mine and then stay awake until it's dawn.


Some people said that you're arrogant, you're not that nice girl as they expect you to be, sometimes. But they just didn't know who you are. I know in fact who you are. Like Anne Frank said, "We don't tell each other everything, because we always together." Because we knew what happened to both of us without even telling. So I knew you, who you truly are, and fuck what people think about you cause I respect you in my life.

R, I don't think you remember this. But I think this is how's our friendship began. Well, I don't quite remember how it is, but it's flashing memories, ya know? Like when you said about you remember how your brother scared upon A Aris. It's kinda how this is. I remember we once fought. I don't remember why we fought, but the thing is, we fought against each other. You pulled my hair and vice versa. Dede was there, trying to separate us. And she did it. I remember how's your face looks like. Full of angry. Well, people said that you were a mean child while I was the one who don't want to lose on a battle. So maybe it was the caused of our fight.

Hence, I think Dede told your mother about our fight and your mother told mine. You know what happened after that? I got lecture from both of them. My mom and yours. They said, if you fight me, I shouldn't fight back because you're younger than me. I was an innocent child who nod to what these old people said. But now I think I was silly like seriously why would I let myself to lose in a fight?! -- Ha ha, kidding. It's a relief to obey upon what they said that day. Cause if I don't, we might be hate on each other right now.

I also remember you were that little kid who loves cooking since you were a little. Remember that day when we made 'tempe goreng'? I think it was when we were 5 or 6. Well.... there was an accident when we made it.

You sat on a chair and I didn't because there was no chair left. So as you stand up to did something with the flour which there on the table, I picked your chair, and you didn't recognize it. When you about to sat back, you fell because there were no chair on your back. And you cried. You told Dede I pulled you. What a lie, in my thought. So I tried to explain what happened to them (Dede and our mom), but then I felt sorry because yes, it was my fault to make you fell. Well, this is awkward cause I feel like this is a guilty pleasure.

Well, R, so much things that happened to both of us. Like seriously, it's 13 years long, and if I write them in here. It could be a novel of our silliness.

R, you once went to America and I accompanied you to the airport that day. You know what happened in the car as I went home? I dropped my tears, and idiotically my sister shouted it like, "Si ade nangis." And how silly I am to reply it with, "Enggak da, cuman kelilipan." What a cliche answer like in a cinema. They won't believe it, I know. But heck it. It's none of people business if I cry or laugh, right?

And yesterday, maybe you saw there was some water in my eyes. Well, R, to be honest, I don't even know what the fuck were these water doing in my eyes. I... tried to hold it, but I just can't.. So I let it out as little as possible.
In car, I sat on the second row. It was your mom's request. But that's okay, really. I sat on the right side. I starred outside the window, along the way. And I didn't recognize it that there were water on my cheeks. So I wiped it. And it fell again. And again. And again.. This might be overrated, but I heard your voice from my mind in the car. And it was sounds so clear because it was so quiet. No one really knew that I cried because I made no noise.
But don't worry about me. I remembered that last night, the first tears that dropped was from the right eye. Study said that if the first tear comes from the right eye, it means a tear of happiness. But if it comes from the left eye, it means sadness. So I believe that that last night tears was a happy tears for you. R, I know that it has been your dream to go to America. Congratulation for that. You finally reached it.

Oh, btw, I stopped crying as your mom started a conversation, then we talked about nothing like city light or traffic or whatever, I don't even know what I was talking about. And then, boom, the car accident, which I told you, happened.

Well, I hope you'd comeback, not only for next year. Even if I got my dream, I planned to come here once a year, ya know?
What make me sad is, I don't know when will I meet you again except for next year. Maybe on some important events like you said. But what if there's no important events anymore?

Promise me you'd always be my best friend. People said that it's a long-last friendship if it happened for more than 7 years. Please prove me that they right. People said that friendship ends when each of person stop telling story. Promise me that you'll keep telling me about great things that may happen to your life in there. Please email me your pics with mickey mouse and those frickin' princesses at Disneyland. Tell me how awesome your class is. Tell me there were no stupid boys anymore or girls who always scream like it's their own frickin place. Tell me how beautiful winter is. Or how much degrees in your place. I can't wait to hear them.

R, as Charlie said, I hope things are really good with you.

But if something went wrong, or something bad or even worst happen, I know it will fine soon, but don't forget that I always here, ready to hear all of your story, good or bad. Yes, I'm worry that much. Just promise me to keep in touch. And keep on the line. HA! You this read wrong and you correct it with 'online'. Smile if my guess is correct. Uh, wait for it. Did you realize that I typed 'you this read wrong' instead of 'you read this wrong'? Ha ha, good luck on that, buddy XD xx


love,

oh-should-I-write-my-name?

October 18th, 2013

Here I am, sitting in this computer chair and just woke up. I'm not sure if I even woke up, cause I don't really sure if I was asleep. First of all, maybe it's all because the noises in this house, like my dad and mom chattering about things in the middle room, my sister who's calling with a loud voices, or even the radio in my mom's room. Frankly, I may could sleep with the noises, but to sleep with the noises in my head? I couldn't.

My brain is literally thinking so much things, alas. I went to the student's consular today. We talked about the scholarships, and, she said I may can get the scholarships but these scholarship only provide for my bachelor degree. Which I knew that. But what matter the most is, I'm not an international student cause I'm using national curriculum. Well, that's okay actually, BUT. I have to take a year foundation or a year international something --I forget the name. AND, the scholarships didn't provide the foundation.

Well, it's kinda break my heart, but, I'm not gonna give up that easy. I knew that there would be another way for that and I've made plans on my mind and I won't tell you what's the plan right now. And this plans which keep me awake and didn't let me to sleep. It's like my brain tell me to take an action but I feel bad for my eyes because it's red, caused of the water on the swimming pool. Yes, I swam this morning.

I don't know man. I swam some hours ago and my eyes still red. And my mom and dad keep chattering about things since hours ago, too. And my sister still screaming on her phone even it has been some hours, too. 

So this is me, gonna take some action to make sure that my dreams won't turn into a dust. See you later. xx

Stephen Chbosky: The Perks Of Being Wallflower

So, after I finished The Diary Of A Young Girl, I then read The Perks Of Being Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. And I love it. I highly love it. I SERIOUSLY LOVE IT! I finished it within 2 days cause --you know, it's pretty addicting. So this boy named Charlie... I don't know how to describe him but the thing is, I love the way he think. And of course, again, I picked some lines from the book:

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

The people in the photographs always seem a lot happier than you are.

The outside lights were on, and it was snowing, and it looked like magic. Like we were somewhere else. Like we were someplace better.

But now I'm trying not to think about it too much because that makes it worse. It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real.

And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

I probably shouldn't writing about this too much because it brings it up too much. It makes me think too much.

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

I feel like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together, and nobody knows.

The problem with things is that everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people.

Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.

I was in my bed trying to figure out why sometimes you can wake up and go back to sleep and other times you can't.

The reason I am thinking so far in advance is because school is terribly lonely. I think I've said that before, but it's getting harder everyday.

I hope you have a very nice life because I really think you deserve it. I really do. I hope you do, too.

Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there.

Okay, so, that's it. That's just it. I don't really picked many lines. And to be honest, I enjoyed the book so much. But as long as I read it, I was keep asking like, "To whom he wrote those letters?" then, when I finally reached the last page, it said, "We don't know where Charlie lives and we don't know to whom he is writing. But Charlie's haunting letters, addressed only to "Dear Friend," bring readers straight to the heart of his struggles to fit in, to find the will to "participate" in life, and to cope with the realities of the larger world as he learns how to grow up."

So yeah, I found out that no one know to whom he wrote it. But it then make me think, as I read that last page, I feel like this Charlie does exist. And if he truly exist, was that okay if Chbosky collected all the letters and made a book of it? I mean, I'm speaking about the copyrights. Or maybe, Chbosky has met Charly and he permitted him to book it? Well, it could be, I guess. But that last page says that "We don't know where Charlie lives.." So mind blowing.

But by the "fiction" label, maybe Charlie doesn't even exist. Maybe he's just a fiction character. Maybe it just Chbosky made it like Charlie is truly exist on the last page. So I don't have to mind about the copyright, like seriously.

Okay, this is brain-aching, but the thing is, if Charlie ever exist in my generation, I'd love to be friend with him. Or maybe being his best friend. And by the way, alas. Bill was right. Charlie is a special person. 

Speaking of letter, I made this for Charlie. I don't really mind if he wasn't exist in a real life. Just assume that I'm a friend of Charlie who wrote him back...

Dear Charlie, 

Charl, there's one thing that I wonder about "participating" in life. I mean, Bill said that we have to "participate" in life, didn't he? What if, life doesn't want us to participate? Life doesn't want us to in? Have you heard a line from Dr. Seuss who said, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" Have you think about it? Well, it might be end up with we're standing in nowhere, Charl...

Maybe what Bill meant was to participate in life, in the right place, and in the right time. Therefore, I don't need to think about it anymore, I guess. But how can we know that we're in the right place and in the right time? What if we feel like it's a right place and a right time but it's actually not?

I shouldn't think about it too much, should I? Okay, so, just skip this letter, and I really hope things are really good with you, Charl. And even if they're not, they will be soon enough.

Love always,

Friend